When you’re going through infertility, connection can feel complicated. 🫠 You want support, but opening up can feel risky. The desire to be seen collides with the fear of what people will say. The whole expereince of telling people feels overwhelming and scary. So you stay quiet.
It’s tempting to protect yourself by pulling back from community altogether, or to do the opposite: to hustle for acceptance, trying to “fit in” with people who may never truly get what you’re carrying.
Maybe you force yourself to go to that baby shower you know you shouldn't go to, you laugh off comments that sting, You pretending you’re okay, and you find ways to deflect the comments and questions. "We're trying, which is the fun part right?" All while melting inside from the pain of not being seen.
The reality is, both avoidance and forced fitting in often leave us lonelier than before.
Fitting In: Why It Leaves Us Lonely
When you try to fit in during infertility, you do what you think you should do to keep other people comfortable. You go to the baby shower when it feels like your heart is breaking. You smile and say, “We’re fine,” when someone asks how you’re doing. You hide the tears, the bitterness, the fear.
When we’re hustling to fit in, we’re measuring every word. We’re shrinking our grief so we don’t make other people uncomfortable. We’re hiding our fear, our anger, our heartbreak.
In the infertility world, this is so common. It’s easy to believe we have to put on a brave face, that our sadness will drag others down, that our truth is just too heavy. So we keep our distance or we keep performing. And deep down, we keep feeling alone.
Fitting in often leaves you surrounded by people but still feeling completely alone.
“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted.” — Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Belonging: What Actually Heals
Belonging, on the other hand, is about showing up as your true self... grief, anger, hope, all of it. It’s about being seen by people who won’t judge you for the heaviness you carry.
Research shows what we all know to be true, that loneliness and silence make infertility even harder. People who find safe places to be open about what they’re going through report less depression and more meaning in their lives.
When you find people who get it, really get it, you don’t have to explain why you’re crying in the grocery store or why a pregnancy announcement feels like a gut punch. They just know. And they sit with you in it. No fixing, no shame. Just presence.
“Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” — Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
When you keep your pain hidden and keep trying to fit in, your sense of isolation grows.
Finding Places to Belong
Belonging doesn’t mean sharing your story with everyone. Not everyone is safe. It means finding your people, the ones who will sit with you in the messy middle, who won’t try to fix you or give you shallow advice.
It can be hard to find people like this. It's possible that we will need new connections, or deepen old friendships. It means that we might need to have deep real conversations with our siblings and "get real" with our group chats. Not everyone will be able to handle this deeper reality. However, for the ones who can hang on, the ones willing to go deeper, connection will be better than ever. Your connection will be vulnerable, real, and more fulfilling.
Is it terrifying to tell people what is going on? Yes! Should you start with one person and then just add one more person at a time? Yes!
You Are Not Broken
If you’ve been trying to fit in, please hear this, you do not have to do that anymore.
You are not broken. Your pain doesn’t make you too much. You don’t have to hide or shrink to be worthy of support.
Belonging is stronger than fitting in every time. You deserve spaces where you can be fully known and fully loved.
And if you haven’t found that yet, don’t give up. You belong. You are worthy of connection that honors all of you, especially the parts you’ve had to keep quiet.
You belong. You deserve relationships that nourish you, places where your needs are honored, and people who remind you that you are not alone in this wilderness.
If you’re longing for a place to belong, we’re here. Always.
We also made a podcast episode that covers this same topic! 👇
Infertility and Feeling Left Out
