There can be many scary things during infertility. If you don’t like shots, then infertility might be very scary. If doctors scare you, or appointments, hospitals, procedures, or taking meds that mess with your emotional state scare you, then infertility can be scary. Sometimes those things can be deal breakers!
I personally know a lot of people who decide not to go through fertility treatments because they do not want to go through all of that stuff. That is valid, and it’s a perfectly acceptable choice.
All the physical stuff that goes along with infertility is overwhelming and of course, scary.
However, if you have been through infertility, or you are currently going through infertility, you know that there is something just as scary, if not scarier, than all the physical stuff. It’s looming out there, like a monster in the water. The mere thought of it is terrifying.
What if we never get pregnant?
What if it never works? What if we lose the baby? What if our family never grows?
The fear isn’t a tangible thing. It's the terrible possibility that all the work might be for nothing, and life won’t change for the better. The fear is that infertility won’t be part of your story. Instead, it will be all of your story.
That fear is harder to put your hands on. It’s harder to explain to people. How do you tell your boss that you are trying to process through the horror of not being a mom? How do you explain that you don’t know what getting older looks like if you never have kids? How do you explain that you can’t let go of the dreams you have for kids around the Christmas table at the holidays? How do you explain that you don’t know the meaning of life if you can’t be a parent?
Instead, it’s easier to say, oh gosh, yeah, I hate the shots.
And yes, it’s the shots. We all hate the shots. But you would take 10,000 shots if you knew you would get pregnant. You would run to the appointments, and you would embrace the mood swings if you knew your family would grow. It’s the terror of not knowing that becomes a monster. A monster so terrifying we often stay quiet about it. We avoid it.
Fear + Isolation + Rumination = Not such a good thing
There is a familiar pattern when it comes to this big scary fear.
1.) It’s hard to talk about this big fear.
2.) The less we let people into what we are feeling, the more isolated we become.
3.) Being isolated can, for some, fuel rumination. (Thinking in circles)
Those three things combined can be a painful reality of infertility. Let’s say a little bit about each one before we move on to how we can overcome this pattern.
It’s hard to talk about this big fear. I will just speak from my heart on this one. I never wanted to talk about this big fear because this big fear was not tangible, it was emotional. I didn’t know how to put that into words for people.
The less we let people into what we are feeling, the more isolated we become. Infertility is hard to talk about, and that can feel lonely. One researcher even called infertility “the lonely disease.” That loneliness can lead to isolation. That isolation can lead to more isolation, if that makes sense. There are things in our life that make us want to pull away. That pulling away can increase the desire to pull away by increasing our fear and stress. The fear makes the isolation stickier. It’s sort of a cycle. The pain triggers the isolation. The isolation puts the nervous system on alert, which increases the isolation, and so on.
Being isolated can, for some, fuel rumination. Rumination only adds to the complicated nature of what fear does to you during infertility. The research is clear that rumination can deepen loneliness. Rumination can strain close relationships, make you lose contact with others, and it can increase behavioral inactivity, which blocks the good experiences we need to get out of rumination and isolation!
This fear can act as a “monster in the closet” for many people who struggle with infertility. The monster is scary, but avoiding it makes the monster grow. Why do I keep thinking about the shrieking eels in Princess Bride?! Not to make light of our most terrifying fear, but it’s like those shrieking eels. Or maybe the rodents of unusual size. R.O.U.S’s. They keep you out of the forest because they are so scary. But the rodents get bigger because we avoid them.
The big scary fears of infertility can make you feel alone. That loneliness can create isolation. That isolation can feed on rumination. It's a cycle that is all to real for so many people. However, it's a cycle that we can break!
Friends, Fear, and Monsters
One person running from a monster is a horror movie. A group of friends fighting a monster is an adventure movie.
When we are in places free from infertility stigma, we can share more freely about our pain, and we are less likely to experience the loneliness surrounding infertility. Literally, brain scans and neurobiology show that when we are with another person that we love and trust, our brains and bodies process threat differently. Additionally, connections with other minds help break the cycle of rumination and bring the brain into a problem solving gear that it could not have arrived at without another person.
When the big fears are said out loud, they don’t just disappear. Instead, they leave the isolation-multiplying system of our ruminating mind.
How else can I say this…
The fear of not becoming a parent is real.
That fear, left alone in an isolated mind, makes you more isolated.
That isolation is fueled by ruminating thoughts.
That cycle can make fear, isolation, and rumination continually get worse.
Loving, caring, and trusted friends interrupt this cycle. 👆
By holding the fears that you have, friends can help interrupt this cycle and make it more likely that you will have experiences that counteract the loneliness. They will also help you work through the fear by talking it out, opening up channels to process your emotional reality.
Finding close connections and trusting them with what you fear is a huge part of making it through the terrifying reality of infertility. This doesnt't happen overnight. It's easy to say, and I will say below, go call the people you love and tell them what you fear. That is the definition of easier said than done. Letting people in is a process that takes time. The goal of this article is to help you start noticing how isolation because of fear during infertility might become a reality in your life. I hope you feel encouraged that isolation does not have to be your long term reality. Connection is possible.
The fear is real. Trusting, loving friends help.
Call your girls. Call the boys. Let them in, and be honest with what you are feeling.
There are many scary things within infertility. This article really focuses on the existential fear of not becoming a parent. If you feel like you have another fear that is bigger, that makes total sense. The things we fear are so unique to us. At Uniquely Knitted, we would love to know what you are feeling and what parts of infertility are most scary to you. If it sounds encouraging to you, we would love to have you join a group and talk to us about what you are feeling!
