We are a self-optimizing society. The desire has been rising decade after decade. We want to be healthier, wealthier, wiser, faster, more fun, more relaxed, and just overall better each year.
It’s not a bad thing, or at least I don’t think it’s a bad thing. It seems very modern, very us. Over the past century, the world has become more individualized and separated. With that separation comes competition and comparison. We seem to all be striving to perfect ourselves and our lifestyles.
Curran and Hill, in a huge meta-analysis of people from 1989 to 2016, found that we are a culture of people who respond to competitive individualism by moving to perfect ourselves and our lifestyles. [1]
We seem to all be fighting for a more perfect version of ourselves all the time.
“Infertility is a disease of the male or female reproductive system defined by the failure to achieve a pregnancy after 12 months or more of regular unprotected sexual intercourse.” That is what the World Health Organization said.
So how does a disease of the male or female reproductive system impact our collective desire to be a more perfect version of ourselves?
Well… Infertility makes you feel like everything is broken and pointless.
Infertility really divides people. Some people view infertility as an opportunity to self-optimize even harder, to be perfect. Others feel like they have lost all their energy for life. For me, I bounced back and forth between the two feelings. I would be perfect and then lose motivation for everything.
Once you realize you are dealing with infertility, it can be really hard to know how to self-optimize. There is, admittedly, so much to optimize. There are supplements, protocols, tracking apps, second opinions, forums to read, and endless articles about what to do.
Do you do everything? How much do you do?
Perfectionism becomes a real problem. Finding that middle way, where you are tuned in, yet self-compassionate, is really difficult.
On the one hand, you want to optimize. There is good research that if you feel in control of your fertility journey, it’s better for you. Researchers found that in 137 women undergoing IVF, low perception of personal control and avoidance coping were positively associated with fertility-related stress. [2]
However, on the other hand, perfect is not really possible. There is an old metaphor in philosophy that asks this question, “When do you have a pile of rice?” If you take one grain of rice and add it to another, that is not a pile of rice. If you keep adding one grain at a time, you will eventually get a pile, but at what point? Furthermore, if you have a pile of rice and take one grain away, is it no longer a pile? At what point is it not a pile?!
Hopefully you get the point. Knowing when something is a pile is impossible. It’s just too vague a thing to know.
The same is true with optimizing your fertility.
At some point you have to say, “I have done a lot to help my fertility journey today. I am going to be kind to myself, practice self-compassion, eat this chicken pot pie, and watch a movie.”
If you never stop optimizing, you can open yourself up to perfectionism. That perfectionism can get connected to your worth as a person, and every time something doesn’t work out, it becomes evidence that you are not worthy to be a parent. That stings.
That is the goal. That is the middle way. Being in control of our fertility journey helps us feel less stressed. Knowing what is happening and understanding the language of fertility treatments is an important part of successfully getting through the struggle to conceive. Working with a collaborative team to best optimize your body and mind feels right and good when you are trying to get pregnant.
Self-compassion protects us from perfectionism. Self-compassion lets us put the laptop away before we read our 50th article at midnight. Self-compassion helps us rest and take a walk when we could be learning and optimizing.
We need both control and compassion.
We get self-compassion through facing the reality that we will never be perfect. Grieving what has happened to our fertility story, letting people in, and allowing others to meet our needs. Self-compassion looks like allowing yourself to stop optimizing, being sad that this has happened to you, texting a friend or your spouse, and then watching your favorite YouTube videos of old Vines from the golden age of the internet. Laughing while you eat just a little bit of ice cream.
The outcome of your fertility story does not determine your worth.
[1] Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410-429. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000138
[2] Gourounti, K., Anagnostopoulos, F., Potamianos, G., Lykeridou, K., Schmidt, L., & Vaslamatzis, G. (2012). Perception of control, coping and psychological stress of infertile women undergoing IVF. Reproductive BioMedicine Online, 24(6), 670-679. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.rbmo.2012.03.002
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